I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
