You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Don't make out with my wife yet
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
