I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
