Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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