Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
