fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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