I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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