I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
