So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
