Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
