Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
pray to the hookup gods
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
