i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
