I met the friendliest cop last night
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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