I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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