yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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