I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
