i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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