What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
