god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
