I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's never too late to be topless.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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