This dress was meant to end up on your floor
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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