My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
