I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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