I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
