I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
