my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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