Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You took a bar mat shot.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
