Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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