I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
