I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
