i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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