I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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