just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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