it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
