I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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