i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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