he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
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College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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