Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
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When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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