Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
