Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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