Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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