just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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