im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
