My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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