I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
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I demand visitation hours with the duck.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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