Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
