I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
