she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
