We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
