Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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