I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
