Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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