you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
