You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
