why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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