Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
